Hey everyone.

Sorry for the delay in getting a new and exciting story out.  Seems that this past week has been a challenge (to say the least) and getting the word out had to be put on the back burner.  Oh, but things have changed and now it is time for some brand new tales for your reading pleasure.

So, this past weekend I was able to sneak in a wonderful Cardinals baseball game and indulge in some of those activities that just go hand-in-hand with any professional or collegiate sporting event.  You know, long lines to get in, long lines at the concession stands, long lines at the rest rooms, long lines to leave, etc.  Please, do not get me wrong, it is usually worth the wait when you are attending such an event.  Well, other than waiting in line when you're getting ready to lose a kidney because of all of the back pressure from your overloaded bladder.  Anyway, this leads me to ponder over a situation that I tend to be somewhat uncomfortable with.  I do not know, perhaps you are too?  We will just have to see, won't we?

To begin with, I only have a few hangups (ssshhhh, those people who really know me) and one of those is the unpleasant  need to use a public restroom.  It is not one of those things where you freak out because you have to sit someplace where everyone else has to sit.  Or, even having that really drunk dude hanging onto the side of his urinal while he is trying to tell you about glory days gone by when he almost made it to the big leagues.  Not the smells, not the lines, (usually) not even the need to clean up after the dude in front of you because he could not have hit the ocean if he was standing on the beach.  Well, that one is pretty disgusting, but hey, when you gotta go...you gotta go!  So, what is the problem?  What is the great hang-up?  My problem is one that deals with the potentially embarrassing times when we get that call from nature and we're just not in a place that we want to take that call.  We really do not wish to share our plight with everyone around us.  Or, to have our privacy interupted in one of our most vulnerable times by others. 

Well, the following is a guide that has been shared with me and it only seems fitting to share it with you (how else am I going to finish this entry?).  We've all been there but don't like to admit it.  We've all kicked back somewhere and suddenly felt something brewing down below.  As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable.  For those who hate pooping at work (school, public, etc), the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING.....When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from.  Be careful when you do this.  Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.  Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY.....The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.  Walk in and check for other poopers.  If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.  Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.  People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE.....A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall.  This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.  If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.  Pretend it did not happen.  If you are standing next to the farter in a urinal, pretend you did not hear it.  No one likes an escapee.  It is uncomfortable for all those involved.  Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAIL BREAK.....When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.  This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.  If this should happen, do not panic.  Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.....The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.  This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.  This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.....Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the room.  This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you.  As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.  Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.....A colleague who poops at work and is darn proud of it.  You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.  Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.).....A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.  This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of Closet Poopers and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.....A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors.  Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.  This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR.....Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open.  This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.  If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.  This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.....A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall.  This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.  Very effective when used in conjunction with a ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.....A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are in a stall.  This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.  If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.....A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.  This is also an embarrassing incident.  If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion.  See Camo-Cough.

HAVANA OMELET.....A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water.  Often accompanied by an Escapee or a Jailbreak.  Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.....A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.  Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.  An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.  This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

I hope that this guide will be able to prevent possible embarrassing situations for you where ever you may be. 

Everyone have a great day!